I HAVE TO BE

The wilderness.

Almost 5 years here.

And tonight I'm taking time to rest on this road.  I'm sitting and I'm letting the wind and dust billow around me, and I'm letting myself feel the heat of the years, and I'm looking for the grace in this spot.  I'm looking for the piece or two that God has so graciously planted in my heart to hold onto that are reminders I will not perish here, and that from this place will come a voice in me.  A voice of change and a voice of hope.  I can almost hear it in me.

Isaiah 62:104a
"For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
    for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet,
till her vindication shines out like the dawn,
    her salvation like a blazing torch.
2 The nations will see your vindication,
    and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
    that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
3 You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
    a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
4 No longer will they call you Deserted,
    or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,[a]
    and your land Beulah[b];
for the Lord will take delight in you..."

This becoming is so hard.  Its the the most difficult thing I've ever tried to surrender to.  

Surrendering to the struggle. 

And stopping wrestling. 

And stop being stubborn. 

To open this mouth of mine and speak. 

From the tops of the mountains shout truth.   

Regardless of the consequences.   Regardless of those who I love that I lose.  Regardless if I'm shaking in my boots.  Regardless if the church shuns me.  Regardless of the fact that I feel inferior and inadequate.   

Regardless.

Because I have to be who I'm becoming.  I can't live in this cocoon anymore.   

I have to fly.