Thursday, July 21, 2016


On June 10th I lost my job.  

The first couple of weeks were full of optimism and it will be ok and in general a great internal dialogue after the initial shock of it all.   All the belief that Jesus has good things, and that there is an amazing job out there for me. 

I was and still do feel the grief in it.  I am very much still feeling the anger and unfairness and all the emotions that come with it.  The, "this isn't personal, its business... " line that repetitively was stated, I still dream about that moment.  

But depression then set in awhile back.  And she has been hard to beat.  

Every morning when I get out of bed her heaviness greets me like this giant blanket that weighs on me, this blanket I can't seem to set down, sometimes all day.  

"You're a failure. " 

"Your husband is going to resent you. " 

"You will never get rid of the weight you have gained." 

Honestly, its a fight to leave the house, and hell its a fight to get off the couch or out of bed.   Its a struggle to not eat my way through the day.  

But tonight I went for a walk, albeit a short one, because its obnoxious hot out, but I did it.  I made myself do a load of laundry.  Tomorrow, my goal isn't to put food in my face all day, and to treat this body of mine nicely.  Because she deserves it.   

And I will write again.  See, these words, even if they aren't "good" are freedom for me.  This frees me in ways that most likely only other writer types will get.  I have to say the words.  I simply have to.  

The words that right now I'm not ok.  

The words that food and I don't have a great relationship right now. 

The words that depression is a bitch quite frankly and I hate her and how she comes back.  

The words that I never thought I, the girl who never had so much of a hint of a bad review would lose her job.  

But also these words: 

The words that I believe I will live.  

The words that I won't always be here in this place. 

The words that there is hope, even when I don't see her, and when I'm scared.  

The words that depression does not just affect me, I'm not alone. 

The words that I am loved.  I am free.  

These words.  

And I'll start all over tomorrow.  

New day. 

Fresh start. 

1 comment:

  1. Love this post friend! Let us always remember to not be so hard on ourselves, to let ourselves feel whatever emotions we feel at the time, and always set the expectation of more self love at the end of the day. Love you tons! ❤️