ANXIETY.

I had my first full blown anxiety attack in 4 years.  

Thursday.

About 10:45 pm.  

See, my life is stressful right now.  Financially, I"m more pinched then I have been in a very, very long time.  I'm in the middle of changing churches, which for me, is super stressful.  ( Note:  I'm also so very excited about this...)  I am writing.  I am looking for moments to speak, which is terrifying.   My job lately has been really stressful.  I have also been missing my family so very much, and realizing that I may not see them this summer and that breaks my heart.    

Because of all this stress, I am incredibly more sensitive to my inner circle of friends and easily mis-interpret messages and conversations.  And because my inner circle of friends is so very important to me, if I feel like there could be conflict, and add to that all that stress I already have, the conflict, whether real or imagined, becomes a trigger for anxiety for me.  A giant trigger.  I can handle all the other stressors, as long as the people I hold closest to me, as long as that sea is peaceful.  And I try hard to make it peaceful.  Thursday, I believe that I had a situation where I mis-interpreted an online conversation with someone that I care about.  

So what that resulted in was for me, was a sudden rush of emotions that physically my body had a hard time handling.  Dry heaving, shivering that felt like a seizure, and sobbing, sobbing that shook all of me.  I called a friend, a mentor, from back home.  And what I love about Jan is that she's walked with me for a really long time, and she just simply began to pray peace over me.  And peace came.  I began to talk, and was reminded by that voice on the other end that I wasn't alone. Spiritually, I was so very peaceful.  Rest simply settled down around me, and I slept.  Simply slept.  

Jonathan Martin, senior pastor at Renovatus Church in Charlotte, North Carolina, he tweeted this today:"We wish all our raw, tender places could be healed, & yet find they are also sacred spaces, hallowed grounds. Places where God lives.”   I feel like my entire life, there have been so many raw, tender places.  I have asked again and again for them to be healed, but now, I am discovering  that these places are sacred spaces.   They are sacred for so many reasons.  They prove I'm strong.  They remind me I'm alive.  They remind me of God's sustaining power.   God truly does live there, and it reminds me that He is good.  Not in the fact that I believe He was the blame for any of it, but simply, because He comes and sits in those places and blesses me with peace and Presence.  

And I am so very grateful.