"Sweet girl, you need to let some things die.... and there's a resurrection that is far greater than what you want me to resuscitate." Ironically... I was getting ready to play a podcast entitled just that "Resurrection or Resuscitation" But I'd barely hit play and I sensed that very sentence.
This is how God and I dialogue sometimes. And this morning, in the midst of a morning of feeling all the feels, and hot stinging tears and to the point of simply feeling not well... that's what I heard. For me to just let my fingers go from that ledge I cling to. That ledge that holds control, it holds my relationships, it holds my dreams, desires and well... everything that I love to pretend I have control of.
I've been wanting God to breathe life into things I know are my past. I know they are. And I love them. I don't want to let people I care deeply about go. I don't want to. I don't want to trust Jesus with my future. The depression that I've struggled with again that is like a suffocating blanket..... I don't want to trust God with that. And today.. .with that one statement, in my car, at 6 am... I unraveled.
Here's the truth. I don't know how to die. I don't. I told a friend today, as tears were streaming and my heart simply just overwhelmed... that I don't even know how to ask people to help me do this. How do I let people go? How do I let desires simply die, and somehow trust in a resurrection that really, I can only be hopeful for. There's no guarantee of what anything looks like afterwards. How do I do that?
That's where I'm left tonight. To somehow let go. And to die. And to trust that God will breathe life to my dead places, and make them live again.