Thursday, October 9, 2014
THE ONE I'LL LOVE.
My deep soul friend who I will love:
Oddly, I'm blogging this about you and to you, and I still have not met you. Or perhaps I have. I really don't know.
Said by a woman who doesn't believe in soul mates. I do believe, however, that I want to meet someone that I have this connection with. This deep soul friend crazy stupid love connection. Maybe there is only one of you out there, and maybe not. So does that mean I believe in a soul mate? I honestly don't know. Maybe I say I don't believe there is a soul mate, a "one", because to say that means I may never find you. Perhaps I was a silly woman to think that this was at all meant for me. ( That's me over-analyzing...that comes with the package. You're welcome. )
There has been twice I thought I had met you. But they were not you. And on they went with their lives, and truly, I was blessed with time with them. I still call them friend. Those relationships helped to show me a lot about myself, and what I need and what I love, and what I don't want. Those relationships taught me that I was worthy, and in many ways, I saw the heart of Jesus through them that I hadn't before. I hope that someday I am a better girlfriend/wife/whatever because of those relationships. I believe I am a better woman because I know them. Because I let them know me. I hope that they are better because they knew me.
Those relationships also caused some of my greatest heartbreaks. They left. One left with no explanation for two years as to why he did. When you have a sensitive heart like I do, that was devastating. Both losses were honestly so hard. Because of that, I fear that I will want to run rather than open my heart up to you. You could leave. Its true. I apologize in advance for when I will want to push you away. I will most likely give you the option to leave, as I do that sometimes with my friends I love, because somehow I feel my emotions are a burden to them, that I am a burden to them, and I never want anyone to feel they have to stay by my side, or stay in my life. Please be patient with this heart of mine. It gets afraid because she, in every kind of relationship in her life, has known more of people leaving than staying... Or worse, people who have said they won't leave, but then just pull away and become silent in my life.
You should know that holding me cures a multitude of things. I am one of the most simple women you will ever meet in that way. Happy, sad, angry, anxious... holding me will provide safety for me. It provides security for me. Telling me I am loved, will do the same. I need touch. And I need words. They are like breathing and eating and drinking for me. You could never buy me a gift, never take me on a fancy date, or mop a floor, but if you do those things, it fills a place in me. Hold my hand. Kiss my head. I need it.
I've started to grieve the fact I may never find you. I may never get married. I probably will not ever get the joys of being pregnant and of new little life and motherhood. Its this grief that I can't even explain, but the last 10 months... has made me cry almost every day. But I am okay when all is said and done if I don't get that. The other side of that grieving is that I want to give up hope that I ever meet you, my deep soul friend I love. If I could simply give up that hope, surely my heart would hurt less, and I wouldn't wonder so much as to who and where you are, and why the hell you haven't come into my life yet. I want to grow old with you. I'm so, so weary of this hoping.
But I know me, and I know that I will keep praying for you. I pray that your decisions are wise, that you are blessed beyond anything you could imagine. I've prayed peace for you, and joy for you, for a community of friends that are amazing. That you aren't left in want. I pray that you hear the voice of God, and that you know the wild love of Jesus. I pray that you aren't a good church boy, but rather, someone who has found this abundant grace, and who has found so much life out of conventional church that I have since leaving, and that you have a simple faith. And that somehow, we find each other.
You won't be perfect, before you decide I think that, I'm well aware that we all have our baggage, issues, and bad habits. And we all have these ugly moments... all of us, but I want to walk through those moments with you. Seriously... I want to.
I hope someday that you read this. And that by then, you've known me awhile.
And that you know that I loved you, I think, before I ever met you.
You are worth waiting for.