Monday, March 10, 2014
Four years ago, after moving here to Oklahoma from small town Iowa, I had the word "trust" tattooed on the inside of my right wrist. I knew from how my life had been, and knowing that there were more hard times ahead, I wanted trust tattooed on so that I could be reminded that not only God is trustworthy, but that my people in my life can be trusted. I've come to hate that tattoo some days, because its a glaring reminder to do the opposite of what I often feel like doing. And that's pushing away and going the opposite way.
Often though, I feel like trust has went the opposite of how it should in my life, kinda like this poor, poor girl's failed trust fall.
After you fall on your face a few times, you start wanting to not do this whole trust fall crap anymore.
About 5 years ago, I was in Mexico, and we were in a village and I had this crazy dream. I was on this very little ledge. I was scraped and bleeding and I was dirty, clinging to the very wall of this mountain. I wasn't going to surrender and drop for anything. Simply, I heard a voice in that moment, and as I peered over my shoulder, all I saw was foggy cloudiness so that I couldn't even see the bottom to know how far I had to fall. I also heard in that moment heard, what I believe was God, simply say, " If you would fall, and simply trust me, I will catch you. You can trust me." I would love to say that I let go, but honestly, I woke up, and that dream has vividly stayed with me since then.
Truly, I feel like I've lived my whole life this way, both with people I love and care for, and with Jesus. Because to trust, that means I have no control. I let go. I fall off the ledge. I trust people to not abandon, and to not purposely hurt me. I trust that God is good, and that He meant what He said. Instead, I've made the decision to fall a few feet at a time, rather than trust falling off that stinking mountain in one huge, crazy as hell trust fall.
The reality of that, though, is that I'm still moving down towards God. And there's grace. So. Much. Grace. He never shoves or pulls me, nor does He bully me or guilt me. Rather, he simply is gentle.
And my friends. They rock. I am honest with them in my not trusting them sometimes very well, and they walk beside and they care, and so often, they are Jesus with skin on to me.
Now, I say all that and make it sound easy, but the truth is, its hard as hell. Lately, its more audibly saying hey, I will choose to trust, even when every emotion is freaking out. Because really, what other choice do I have?! I pretend that I have control of so many things, and in reality, in the deep things of my life that I want to control, I don't control them.
And so tonight, I'm going to trust. Even when so many other voices say otherwise.
Even if I have to say "I choose trust" a million times, tonight I'm going to do that.