Saturday, July 19, 2014


This week its been a stormy sea.
Often, I see me trying to stay afloat with giant waves I can't see over, and I'm clinging with all my strength to one board.  That's all that's left in the crashing of everything I know.
I left on a ship full of faith, and a ship full of dreams.
And then the storms came.  One after another after another.  With all that wind and rain.
Then the ship began to fall apart.
Board after board after board began to give way to the waves and wind and that ship that held my life together, and that was supposed to take me to the other side... it was destroyed.
I will say that at times, the waves are calm, and while I can't see land yet, I'm not struggling.
And then sometimes like this week, the waves are so big, and I get so incredibly tired, and I struggle to find this joy, and to hope in my future.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Tonight is one of those nights. 

Its 11:30, and I should be asleep. 
But tonight is a night the tears don't stop very well, and I'm doubting this Jesus that I follow. 
I'm not looking to my future with hope. 
And any dreams.... I sat them down around last... oh... Monday. 
Surrendering to the waves, and choosing that to simply survive today is better than drowning.

I don't want to drown.  
I want to come to a place where I see land, and I see a home.  
And I don't see water and wilderness anymore.  
Surely there is more in this journey than this. 

I want to say that I've that I've heard that still small voice that tells me He's not forgotten.  
I think I have. 
That I've heard him sing of love and freedom... that He's sang it over me.  
I think I can hear that in the distance. 
I want to say that I've heard him say that while He won't resuscitate that which is dead, He wants to breathe life into me.  
I want to believe that I've heard right. 

But maybe I didn't.  
Maybe I have to drown to live.  
Or maybe tomorrow I see some shore.  
I wish I knew.