Thursday, July 21, 2016


On June 10th I lost my job.  

The first couple of weeks were full of optimism and it will be ok and in general a great internal dialogue after the initial shock of it all.   All the belief that Jesus has good things, and that there is an amazing job out there for me. 

I was and still do feel the grief in it.  I am very much still feeling the anger and unfairness and all the emotions that come with it.  The, "this isn't personal, its business... " line that repetitively was stated, I still dream about that moment.  

But depression then set in awhile back.  And she has been hard to beat.  

Every morning when I get out of bed her heaviness greets me like this giant blanket that weighs on me, this blanket I can't seem to set down, sometimes all day.  

"You're a failure. " 

"Your husband is going to resent you. " 

"You will never get rid of the weight you have gained." 

Honestly, its a fight to leave the house, and hell its a fight to get off the couch or out of bed.   Its a struggle to not eat my way through the day.  

But tonight I went for a walk, albeit a short one, because its obnoxious hot out, but I did it.  I made myself do a load of laundry.  Tomorrow, my goal isn't to put food in my face all day, and to treat this body of mine nicely.  Because she deserves it.   

And I will write again.  See, these words, even if they aren't "good" are freedom for me.  This frees me in ways that most likely only other writer types will get.  I have to say the words.  I simply have to.  

The words that right now I'm not ok.  

The words that food and I don't have a great relationship right now. 

The words that depression is a bitch quite frankly and I hate her and how she comes back.  

The words that I never thought I, the girl who never had so much of a hint of a bad review would lose her job.  

But also these words: 

The words that I believe I will live.  

The words that I won't always be here in this place. 

The words that there is hope, even when I don't see her, and when I'm scared.  

The words that depression does not just affect me, I'm not alone. 

The words that I am loved.  I am free.  

These words.  

And I'll start all over tomorrow.  

New day. 

Fresh start.