10 Years:

Papa Bear,

I felt like 10 years of you being gone deserved me writing something.  I haven't wrote for a long, long time, and I'm letting myself feel it all this year and I've come down to a theme of what I'm feeling and that's that I'm so angry that you're gone, and mostly I'm angry about all that you've missed in my life.  Sitting here sobbing writing this and at least 4 times I've had to stop to clean my glasses from all these tears. 

I still think at least once a week that I need to call you.  To tell you something goofy about the day or my car... lets be honest, its mostly car and house stuff. 

You missed my wedding.  Mom was angry that i didn't let her walk me down the aisle but truly, I was your girl, and I never recovered any kind of relationship with her that I had with you.  I love her and I'm so proud of her lately, but seriously...  you were my dad, and there was no replacing you.  I walked my own damn self down that aisle proudly, and I don't regret it at all.  I wish you could have enjoyed that morning that was a no frills wedding like you'd have loved and full of family, and friends and truly one of the greatest days of my life. 

I believe you'd be friends with my husband.  Anthony reminds me of you often, especially when I hold his hand and they are rough from work, and when he paints, he also refuses help from anyone because no one can paint as good as he wants it.  He is a hard worker, and loves motorcycles, and cars and tinkering around on house projects.  He loves me and everyday I know he loves me.  He treats me better than nearly any human has ever, and I love him with all my heart.   

I get to be a step mom and that's also been the biggest challenge and at times the greatest stress in the best way of my life.  Hannah is now 14 and she's reminds me of me at my age and as you well know that's terrifying.  I was an awful 14 year old to you guys.  But I like to think I ended up ok and I believe that for her as well.  Dean is 9 and he's genuinely hilarious, and kind and as naughty as a kid that age is.  He's so smart and I have such a good relationship with him and I hope that never changes.    You'd love them so much.

I'll let my sisters and mom catch you up on their lives as I'm sure they talk to you at times like I do.  And their stories aren't mine to tell, but I will say this....  you have awesome grand kids and they're smart and funny and they're amazing, but Judah and Caydance are beautiful and wonderful and I wish with all my heart you'd have gotten to meet them.  I wish that you were still here enjoying life with us. 

On a deeper note, sitting with you in death 10 years ago changed me in ways I never thought possible.  Where i hear so many say that it made them less fearful of death watching  their loved ones die, it made me so incredibly fearful of it.  I hate it.   Not because there was no peace but simply because you didn't want to leave.  You fought to stay with us.  You fought those 3 days and I believed in all my naivety that Jesus was going to still heal you.  And. He. Didn't.   The God of the universe that I'd been taught to believe that if I had faith that Jesus heals... didn't.  I still don't know what to do with my faith in what "heaven" is or what eternity holds.  It feels like a bet that I hope is all I thought, but I mean... we honestly don't know and its all a faith thing.  That's all we have.   

I watched a stroke ravage you  and cancer and chemo waste your body away, and I heard you often say when we shut the light off to leave the hospital and the nursing home that you were scared.  If I could have I would have stayed by your side for every second, but I couldn't, and I knew that you hated all the attention and all of us there.  For so many reasons.  I'm sorry you suffered.  I'm sorry that you were afraid.  I'm sorry that you had to leave us.   I'm so sorry that you felt all that pain. 

Reflected today of sitting with you the moment we found out we all had to say our good byes to you, and I went right after mom.  I promised that we would take care of mom and each other and I believe we've done that.  I told you that I'd forgiven you for everything.  Anything you'd ever felt was big enough for me to not love you... I forgave you.  It truly was forgiven long before that moment.   I saw shame in you often and it was never something you had to carry, and I thought it was important that you know that.  I told you it was ok to go.  Although you didn't want to.  I know.  I saw it in your eyes and I saw your suffering and I was forever changed. 

I will forever miss you, and I hope that you meet me on the other side someday, whatever that looks like.  I want to believe that. 

I love you, Dad.

-Andrea