Feelings.

I shut off all the noise today.
I shut off my phone and left it in another room.
I shut off the television.
I shut off the music.
I put away the food.
I have no wine in the house.

And lately, I love all the noise and the food and the wine because then I am distracted and I don't have to feel.

But see, i want to feel.

I want to feel this fear I have had lately of dying and never having had a family or or anything to leave behind that seems good.

I want to let myself feel the anxiousness of facing the rest of my life single, and what that will look like and what that will feel like... if that happens.

And the anxiety... she is like a hound chasing a rabbitt... and is my constant companion, even when I want to numb her, she basically is impossible to numb.

I want to feel what my last relationship (welp, was it actually a relationship? ), when he told me he didn't want me with his silence... what that did to my heart.
This silly, trusting, loyal heart of mine.
That wound is still so fresh, and I miss him.

I truly want to be able to feel the wilderness again, because it has been too dark to even see where I am stepping anymore here.

Laughing.. I want to laugh.  The throw my hands in the air and not care who the hell is watching kind of laughing.  From the bottom of my belly kind of laughing.

And beauty... I want to feel beauty.  If that's the trees as I sit on my patio, or the clouds as they move thru  the sky, or these Oklahoma sunsets... I want to feel it.

I want to love.  I want to feel what it is to be loved and not question if I deserve it, or if I'm worthy, or if I've earned it yet, but simply.. because someone loves me, because dare I say it, I may be loveable.
and I want to lavish love on others, just because I can.  Because I want to, because they need it.  Even if they don't know it.

And grief, grief is loud right now.  Soon, its the anniversary of my dad's death.  And I've begun to remember his  stroke, and his downward spiral that started in the beautiful spring of new buds on trees and flowers blooming...
I had to talk to my doctor of having kids, and the tears that came down that day when I had to admit there probably isn't going to be a time, for real, that I carry a baby , and I have fully started to grieve that. And it comes in waves about that.

I don't want to be afraid of the tears anymore.  I don't want to be ashamed that I'm the crier of the group, or ashamed that I'm so slow to move through this.... because I know that this has been slow for me.  I know that the tears come down always.  I know.

But all that... I want to embrace the emotions of this place and I don't want to numb them anymore.

So I'm going to try my best to not.

Thank you for walking with me, friends.

ANXIETY & DATING...

So hey.. new thing.
Anxiety and dating.
I'm struggling to put it together.
And add that I have a hard time loving me and thinking i deserve good things...
Good grief.

Today, I was texting with the man I'm dating and never, NEVER has he given me reason to doubt him, to not trust him, but this week, full of anxious thoughts that he is growing tired of me, that he doesn't want me, that he is just putting up with me.

And worse... I then over compensate by being ridiculous, and by ridiculous... I mean obnoxious.

Too much the need to communicate to help soften the over thinking anxiety that just spins.

I worry it will ruin this.
I try to explain that this is my struggle.
I try to explain that I need reassurance for things that will not make sense to him.

Like thinking I'm not good enough, that he could do better.
Or that I'm too fat.
Or that I'm just too much.
Too needy.
Too emotional.

And those thoughts keep coming, and spinning in this head of mine the last few days.   Even tonight while I sit here typing this.

So tonight, simply I'm working on finding the peaceful place.
When I want to apologize a million times over.
I want to feel normal.  I feel it all so deep, I do.

Anxiety is hard.
And dating & anxiety is a new thing I'm learning to do.
I need grace for learning this.

I will say, tho, as i sat in the middle of the thoughts tornado the phrase that I've been hearing for probably a year now, that is sweetly sung in the background of all that, is this softly whispered voice... "You are loved & you are free... "  

I am loved.
I am free.

And may I add that I'm not alone here.