Wednesday, May 21, 2014
DRUGS & JESUS
I struggle with depression, and recently started taking an anti-depressant to help combat it.
I also love Jesus.
In the Pentecostal world that I grew up in, those things can't mix. Or, if you do decide to take the meds... you never mention it, because to mention it means that I've obviously got some major spiritual issues. Because one who has it all together would never struggle with this.
I call shenanigans on this.
I remember sitting with friends when I was in my 20's, and we'd talk about people who we knew took anti-depressants. Yes, also known as gossip. We'd say things like, "well, obviously they have some sin in their life they're not dealing with." Or... "wow, they must just not trust Jesus to take care of it. I'd be believing for my healing." I am positive we said all sorts of douchey things... "out of love" of course. I was one who most likely help load shame on people that they hadn't done enough... they weren't enough. I was a jerk.
And all the while, this blanket of heaviness I continued to wrestle with. Waking up crying, randomly crying throughout the day for really no reason, and just so incredibly sad all the time. Its the pain that hits so deep, and I couldn't fix it. I know that I asked and asked for Jesus to heal me. I went up for prayer a million times. I went to these "deliverance" things... and examined generations before me, and shut doors that may emotionally been opened up, and asked forgiveness for watching rated R movies and seeing things I shouldn't have... blah. blah. blah... and that should have taken care of it. ( note: for those totally confused on the deliverance part... either comment below, or just go with the confusion and I'll tell you I still am a bit also... ) I never had a safe place to simply say hey.. several times a week, I randomly ponder the thought that life would be better for everyone if I were not here.
Moving to Oklahoma only magnified this stuff 100 fold. And in the last year, I just simply couldn't quit crying. Crying about the deep places that I can't fix. Crying about things lost. Crying about people I love. Crying about regrets. So. Much. Crying. And you know what? One feels foolish when they can't stop doing that.
When my dad died, I went to grief counseling. And while at grief counseling we did talk about all this. And a medication was recommended, but being the good Christian I am... I declined it. To accept that, would be to accept defeat, right?!
But I couldn't do it anymore. The tools for processing, they helped but not enough. A relationship had ended. I was overwhelmed with financial issues. I was incredibly lonely. I was so, so sad all the time.
I called my doctor and I sat and wept through an appointment telling her that I couldn't do it anymore. Telling her that genetically, it is very possible that this is depression. Because that's real life. Most likely, my dad was depressed. My mom, suffers from depression. I know that my mom's aunts... a few committed suicide. Not one... a few. I told her that all I wanted to do was sit in my apartment and see no one. I sit at my desk, and my living room and all the time... just cry and cry. And that isn't me. It isn't.
You may wonder where my walk with Jesus was in all this... and you know, its good. See, I believe I was supposed to go see my doctor. I'm supposed to walk through this. I'm supposed to share this. The medication is helping. I have multiple days in a row where I don't cry. Do y'all know how big of a deal that is? I'm still me and I still feel every emotion, but most days... its manageable and not overwhelming. There are some days that still hit hard, and this week, has been tough, but you know... its going to be ok.
I share this so that you also can be encouraged... depression isn't the end. Its not the end for me, and surely, its not the end for you.
If you have friends who are going through stuff...PLEASE don't be a jerk. Walk with them. Love them. They need it.
And take heart... Jesus will walk with you through it also. Don't be ashamed to do what you need to do to get better.