NOT ALONE

Today is a hard emotions day.  A day where its all just under the surface.  And it churns and it wrestles and it fights... and I end up in tears and paralyzed by silly, silly fears that make no sense.   It starts off as a thought, and that thought balloons so quickly.  

The wrestling at this moment for me is that I want to apologize to a friend that I don't need to.  I'm certain that they are never talking to me again, and I'll never see them again... and I have zero basis for this.  Nothing they've ever said to me in the last 24 hours said that... in fact, quite the opposite. They are a person of their word, hands down.    The truth is that this person is my friend because they said they were.  Because their actions have proven such.  In my brain though, I'm so very anxious and distracted by it today because of fears from so very long ago, and I am struggling today so much.

To be my close friend for any length of time, is to know that I will feel this way about you at some point.  

I will fear I did something wrong.  

I will fear that I'm too much.  

That my emotions, my honesty, who I am is not good enough.

And that if you truly see me in the ugly moments, that you'll see what often I see in my self-loathing, and you'll walk away.  Because who the hell wouldn't walk away? 

I will fight the want to push you away, when in reality, I need you close.   

6 years ago, a close friend and I were sitting in a dark basement, and they asked me what I was feeling, and you know, I simply stated, "I don't want you to love me."...   And this friend, he simply stated that wasn't an option.  And that if I walked forever through this wilderness, he would love me.    He has.  I'd love to say that I've come so far, but sometimes, this still happens.  Like today. I do need you, friends, to love me.  I need it.  When I lean, know that I struggle to do that, and that its hard for me.  Please know that when I reach out, it is a big deal for me.  Please know that often, I simply need reassurance you don't think that.  I have to hear it.   

Well meaning people typically have platitudes for me over the years.  My personal favorite being that if I asked for it to be taken away, it would.  As if I haven't done that.   I've done deliverance/healing/whatever the hell we call those sessions at church, and while I saw some great insights, I still struggle.  I have sat thru therapist appointments and done my assignments, and again, I still struggle.  I have sat in the night and begged for me to be able to simply  feel normal, whatever normal is.  Some say that if I would simply fight to choose the better attitude, that somehow I'm the blame for this, I'm choosing the wrong thing. 

I have to say to hell with all that.  My struggle is part of my calling.  It is.  I can in no way deny that anymore.

 You who have laid at night with the tears and the darkness and the loneliness, I know how it feels. 

 You who worry that you are not loved and that you will be abandoned, I know the pain of it.
 You who have sat with a bottle of pills and wondered if this fight is worth it, I have done that also.
You who can't get out of bed sometimes because simply its too dark, I've done it.
You who can't shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen to you, I feel that also sometimes.

And all I can offer is that the night moments won't last forever.  It will feel like it.  Let friends be there, and to not let shame win.   And for me, I have to invite God into the chaos, even if I wrestle with Him more than I sit with Him.  He can handle everything you've to say, and for me lately...its a lot of wrestling and yelling and really honest words of how I'm feeling.   Before today is over, I can feel the bruises of the wrestling already, and my cheeks are raw from tears that just keep coming, and for me, still the nagging fear of being left.

But after the night, morning will come, and the sun will rise, and you will be able to breathe again.  And smile again.  These moments don't last forever.



Note:  I've no clue who will read this, but I do know that for me, I have to talk.   If you have noone to talk to, please email me at aogc116@yahoo.com.  I want to listen.  And its important that you are heard.