Wednesday, February 4, 2015


So hey.. new thing.
Anxiety and dating.
I'm struggling to put it together.
And add that I have a hard time loving me and thinking i deserve good things...
Good grief.

Today, I was texting with the man I'm dating and never, NEVER has he given me reason to doubt him, to not trust him, but this week, full of anxious thoughts that he is growing tired of me, that he doesn't want me, that he is just putting up with me.

And worse... I then over compensate by being ridiculous, and by ridiculous... I mean obnoxious.

Too much the need to communicate to help soften the over thinking anxiety that just spins.

I worry it will ruin this.
I try to explain that this is my struggle.
I try to explain that I need reassurance for things that will not make sense to him.

Like thinking I'm not good enough, that he could do better.
Or that I'm too fat.
Or that I'm just too much.
Too needy.
Too emotional.

And those thoughts keep coming, and spinning in this head of mine the last few days.   Even tonight while I sit here typing this.

So tonight, simply I'm working on finding the peaceful place.
When I want to apologize a million times over.
I want to feel normal.  I feel it all so deep, I do.

Anxiety is hard.
And dating & anxiety is a new thing I'm learning to do.
I need grace for learning this.

I will say, tho, as i sat in the middle of the thoughts tornado the phrase that I've been hearing for probably a year now, that is sweetly sung in the background of all that, is this softly whispered voice... "You are loved & you are free... "  

I am loved.
I am free.

And may I add that I'm not alone here.