UNEMPLOYED.
On June 10th I lost my job.
The first couple of weeks were full of optimism and it will be ok and in general a great internal dialogue after the initial shock of it all. All the belief that Jesus has good things, and that there is an amazing job out there for me.
I was and still do feel the grief in it. I am very much still feeling the anger and unfairness and all the emotions that come with it. The, "this isn't personal, its business... " line that repetitively was stated, I still dream about that moment.
But depression then set in awhile back. And she has been hard to beat.
Every morning when I get out of bed her heaviness greets me like this giant blanket that weighs on me, this blanket I can't seem to set down, sometimes all day.
"You're a failure. "
"Your husband is going to resent you. "
"You will never get rid of the weight you have gained."
Honestly, its a fight to leave the house, and hell its a fight to get off the couch or out of bed. Its a struggle to not eat my way through the day.
But tonight I went for a walk, albeit a short one, because its obnoxious hot out, but I did it. I made myself do a load of laundry. Tomorrow, my goal isn't to put food in my face all day, and to treat this body of mine nicely. Because she deserves it.
And I will write again. See, these words, even if they aren't "good" are freedom for me. This frees me in ways that most likely only other writer types will get. I have to say the words. I simply have to.
The words that right now I'm not ok.
The words that food and I don't have a great relationship right now.
The words that depression is a bitch quite frankly and I hate her and how she comes back.
The words that I never thought I, the girl who never had so much of a hint of a bad review would lose her job.
But also these words:
The words that I believe I will live.
The words that I won't always be here in this place.
The words that there is hope, even when I don't see her, and when I'm scared.
The words that depression does not just affect me, I'm not alone.
The words that I am loved. I am free.
These words.
And I'll start all over tomorrow.
New day.
Fresh start.
