RESURRECTION.

"Sweet girl, you need to let some things die.... and there's a resurrection that is far greater than what you want me to resuscitate."   Ironically... I was getting ready to play a podcast entitled just that "Resurrection or Resuscitation"  But I'd barely hit play and I sensed that very sentence.  

This is how God and I dialogue sometimes.  And this morning, in the midst of a morning of feeling all the feels, and hot stinging tears and to the point of simply feeling not well... that's what I heard.  For me to just let my fingers go from that ledge I cling to.  That ledge that holds control, it holds my relationships, it holds my dreams, desires and well... everything that I love to pretend I have control of. 

I've been wanting God to breathe life into things I know are my past.  I know they are.  And I love them.  I don't want to let people I care deeply about go.  I don't want to.  I don't want to trust Jesus with my future.  The depression that I've struggled with again that is like a suffocating blanket..... I don't want to trust God with that.  And today.. .with that one statement, in my car, at 6 am... I unraveled.  

Here's the truth.  I don't know how to die.  I don't.  I told a friend today, as tears were streaming and my heart simply just overwhelmed... that I don't even know how to ask people to help me do this.   How do I let people go?   How do I let desires simply die, and somehow trust in a resurrection that really, I can only be hopeful for.  There's no guarantee of what anything looks like afterwards.  How do I do that?  

That's where I'm left tonight.  To somehow let go.  And to die.  And to trust that God will breathe life to my dead places, and make them live again.